How to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict in Healthy Relationships
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2008
by Vivienne Wolff
Vivienne Wolff Family Mediation
You might think that your relationship with a loved one cannot survive arguments. This is simply not true! It is the essence of life that there are different strokes for different folks. The point is that it is not the actual disagreement that is the problem, it is how you convey the difference in opinion that will test your relationship. How would one deal with conflict in a healthy and productive manner.
Remember, it is fine to say No! It can become something of a habit to stifle your desires, hopes and ambitions and just agree with the other person. This can extend even to simple things such as what to have for dinner! This is particularly true of personalities that are known as people-pleasers. These types will go out of their way to read what it is they believe others want and try and give this to them, irrespective of what they themselves really want or need.
I believe this pattern emerges from an early age when as young children, we learn to read our parents and how to please them, and deliver the desired result or behaviour. So it is that you might have hated doing ballet, but you saw the pleasure your mother got from watching you dance in the annual end-of-year concert and so persist with this hobby longer than you would if you had to choose. You would much rather do so than risk alienating your parent by admitting how much you hate to dance!
It is innate in every child that they know how to please their parent. An emotionally 'healthy' parent would be aware of this tendency and gently encourage the child to think for him/herself and make his or her own choices within appropriate parameters under the parents' guidance.
You want to have a win-win type of relationship, where you take into account each other's points of view and goals. Negotiating around these needs is healthy and wise. Do not always be submissive and afraid to state your point of view for fear that you might lose your partner, as this will lead you to have more anger. Parties have to decide which issues are inflexible, around which there can be no question of negotiation, and which are not that hard and fast, and which can be used, for want of a better phrase, as a 'bargaining tool' . These are the issues around which the parties can negotiate.
* By far the best tip to avoid irreparable damage to a long-term relationship, whether it be simply friends or a romantic partnership or a business relationship conflict would I believe, be to make sure that conflict is not allowed to build up to such a degree that, eventually when you can no longer contain your resentment, there is an explosion when you are unable to hold back and you say things that are hurtful and vindictive. Eruptions are harder to patch up and harsh words can be hard to let go of. Do not allow your resentment to bubble under the surface, rather speak about problems as they arise. This enables you to start off with a clean slate and on a more equal footing than if you are harboring grudges from a while back which have not been aired, and therefore not cleared or resolved;
* Set time aside to talk about burning issues when children are not around. Children should never be brought into arguments, even when the issue is around one of the children. So much damage is done by allowing children to be part of the conflict, whether it is a simple argument at home, extending right to the court-based extent of arguments. Children should maintain their innocence; they should not have to choose between their parents and show allegiance to either one. Forcing children to choose sides harms them in so many ways, some more subtle than others. You should never bad-mouth the other party to the child or in the child's presence. Research abounds on the anxiety this generates for children, to say the least. Much has been written on parental-alienation syndrome, which is related to this issue of denigrating the other parent to the child or in the child's presence.
* Begin the conversation by pointing out the attributes of your partner which are really positive and which are his/her strong points. Do not launch straight into what it is about your partner that irritates you or is driving you mad! There must be things about your partner that you like and that you can mention. Everybody loves to hear something good about them. This sets up a proper forum or state of mind to hear criticism and to negotiate.
* Do not get defensive by trying to deny all the behaviour being raised if you are the one being complained about. Listen to the points raised as constructive criticism and remember it is hard to get honest feedback these days, so view it as a positive rather than a negative. Rather think about solutions and how you might change your behaviour to accommodate the other party, without feeling like you are 'giving up' on something you had your heart set on.
* Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm. This envisages that you accept that your point of view, or behaviour as the case might be, is off, and you enlist the aid of the complaining party to help you think of strategies to change. Just throw ideas out as they come to you, without judging their quality, and with no worry about whether or not they will work. You will weigh them up later, for now, it is just about getting ideas on the table. Think of clever ways to solve the problem, treat it as a fun exercise!
* Remember the areas in which you DO agree, such as the love for your children and the desire to see them thrive. From that, go through each of the options that you generated in your brainstorming session and evaluate which of them might work. If some would clearly not work, remember to identify what is wrong with them so that variations on a theme might come about.
* Find an area of agreement that you can live with, even if it is not the ideal solution or the one that you would have chosen. Focus instead on the long term results of your compromise and what it will do for your relationship.
* Thank the other party pointing out the problem for bringing it to your attention and sound like you MEAN it!!
* Congratulate yourself for lasting the distance, enduring the criticism when your instincts were to run, attack or hide. See this as a step in your personal growth and in the perfection of a relationship that is based on reality, that meets the needs of all concerned, and that can become even closer through the exercise that you have just done.
* If you are not able to take any of the above advice, see a Registered Family Dispute Resolution Provider and Mediator who is an expert in resolving conflict and who can help you to take the necessary steps. Often just watching the Mediator and mirroring their style of dealing with conflict, parties can be helped to do so themselves.
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Vivienne Wolff has helped many separating parties to recognise their needs and focus on their future. She is a Lawyer and Mediator and has seen the magic of Mediation at work many times. She advises people about mediation on her website at http://www.mediationbywolff.com.au
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Vivienne, Excellent conflict resolution suggestions. I use them often in my own private counseling practice. Thank you.Thanks for reading my article and for your positive comments James. Have a great 2008.
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